ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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