You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize