my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
