new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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