Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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