some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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