u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
