This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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