STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
