You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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