I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
