Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
