She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
