Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He better not be in your backpack
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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