If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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