we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
