Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
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