I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
