I should be sponsored by Trojan
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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