i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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