Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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