I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
