I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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