Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
