The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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