are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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