Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
