It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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