i think my mom watched the whole time
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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