I wish my penis had an off switch
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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