did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
