I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
