Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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