Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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