Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
