I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
