I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
