Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
