Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
