I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
