You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
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The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
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Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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