Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
