apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
