Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
