He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
