those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
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