i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
