it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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