I think my fart just growled at me.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
