i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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