"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
