note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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