I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
