You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
