Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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