On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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