they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
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does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
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He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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