So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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