I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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